Friday, August 9, 2019

Country Life Part 2: The Hogfather

A groundhog lives on our property. He has two homes. One by our house and another at the far corner by a wire fence. My wife calls him the Hogfather. He's an easy twenty pounds. Honestly, I thought he was a dog the first time I saw him.

I was recommended by folks at our local feed store to smoke him and his pals in their tunnels because of my aspirations to start a massive garden in our backyard. "The bastard and all his buddies will eat all your crops!" said the man resembling Jud Crandall from Pet Semetary.

Trapping them and shooting them was another option, but damn, I'm not big on having guns around the house, especially with two toddlers. Something about holding a loaded firearm (not for sport, necessary hunting, or protection) really makes me nervous. And look, if we didn't have twenty four hour grocery stores and a farmer's market at the corner of every street in this town, I'd have no problem offing a creature stealing food from my family and me.
I'm a good shot too, but I don't have the heart to do it. I once purposely missed killing a rabbit for sport.

So I went with the smoke bomb, which really looks like a stick of dynamite. Three weeks ago, I lit them, shoved them in the holes, buried the holes, and put a heavy rock on top. A few breaths and they'll never even know the eternal sleep they're about to have. Completely painless, I thought. One hundred per cent humane.

Have you seen Caddyshack? Of course you have. You're not a monstrous savage! Last week I checked where I supposedly buried the Hogfather. He left me a message, a little token to let me know who really runs our four acres. Not only were fresh exits dug up from the Hogfather's passages, but guess what lay on top of the mound of dirt next to the openings?

If you guessed burnt out sticks resembling dynamite then you'll be in the Showcase Showdown, baby.

The Hogfather, he mocks me.

The garden will have to wait until 2020.

Music:

In case you've been holed up in a groundhog hole over the past 13 years, highly anticipated new music from TOOL released this week. The title track of their new record and single "Fear Inoculum" (along with their entire catalog) is on every streaming platform (I believe) and kicks every ass on the planet. The song really showcases Danny Carey's percussion. But I'd be amiss to say Justin Chancellor's bass doesn't compliment the hell out of Carey's drums. I think they both carry the song throughout it's ten minutes of breathing, panting, and eventual heaving of awesomeness. The song builds and builds and builds, with Maynard's vocals sprinkled throughout. His range comes in at the perfect moments. Unlike most bands, the front man isn't the center of the song. If you've ever seen TOOL live, you'll know Maynard poises himself somewhere on the side of the stage. Their music is meant to be the forefront of the TOOL experience and I dig the approach, even though I wouldn't be disappointed if they stuck with the tradition of keeping-everything-else-behind-the-vocals because Maynard has amazing range.
This single was well worth the wait.

Movies:

Once Upon A Time...In Hollywood might be Tarantino's finest film to date. It's hilarious and heartbreaking and serves as a much deserved F-you to Charlie Manson. Magic is witnessed whenever DiCaprio and Pitt are on screen and Margot Robbie is spectacular as loving and carefree Sharon Tate, especially when she goes inside the theater to watch herself in The Wrecking Crew.

The Jungle is streaming on Amazon and is free to Prime members. Daniel Radcliffe digs deep in his performance and I won't spoil anything here but the ending left a huge lump in my throat.

Television:

The Sinner Season 2. I haven't finished it. We have two episodes left and I'm already ready for Season 3. Bill Pullman plays a detective with a troubled past that is revealed along the story line of a boy who admits to killing both of his parents in a motel room. Just like Season 1, Season 2 is smart, imaginative, calculated, and executed with style.

Books:

I'm 600 pages in Stephen King's IT. I took a break when the latest issue of Cemetery Dance arrived. Phantom Heart by Terra LeMay and First Person Shooter by Wrath James White stood out to me. Phantom Heart is a real heart breaker about longing while FPS goes down the darkest road imaginable. I mean, it's gruesome but not for gruesome's sake. It has a ton of heart and is full of not-so-innocent sin. While I saw the twist coming, it still devastated me once it was final.
On the docket is the Bram Stoker Award winning Crota by Owl Goingback. This one's been on my radar for a while and the cover is beautiful.
You can order it here.

Writing:

My story Murdock's Magnificent Emporium and be found in Dig Two Graves Vol. I. That's it for new releases. I'm working on my third novel since releasing my horror collection A Looking In View. If the cover art style looks familiar that's because Elderlemon Design made it. It's a great company and I can't recommend them enough. One novel is waiting acceptance from a small press and the other is with beta readers and the editor I work with. This novel, titled Admonition, will be queried to agents.

I think that's enough for now. Be good to each other out there.

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